Spiral downward

Circling deeper

Close my eyes, shut the doors, open my lids and look into the pool of blackness. Fingers on the board, strings aligned and music flows inside my head, eradicates foreign melodies. Who are you? Who am I? Like I or you could answer these questions that make my mind fumble. Shards of forgotten lovers, pieces of old dreams, assembled in line in my fortress, that I bring up to shield myself. Behind these walls, these doors, I feel safe, safe to let down my mask and my lies. But when I leave, I trace every aspect of my betrothal, my eyes flicker as I touch you to be sure I am already stepped outside again. There is something inside my soul, a spiral full of thorns, it's going deeper and deeper beyond what I can see or feel or know. Leaves behind fragments of times I probably messed up someone's time again while trying to pretend being somebody else. But I can't keep my mouth from creating these barriers, these high walls where I hide myself behind. While I am quivering because of the pressure that is exerted from my innermost expectations, I smile full of energy and self-consciousness, while I am shivering because of the pain that I drive inward to protect it from hurting anyone, I laugh and lend my hand, offer support and listen to every story to five advice and be of use. Circling deeper, my body becomes alighted, I like the feeling to be floaty and enjoy to spend my days in drams rather than the real world, at least in times when no one is concerned about it. Deeply hurt, I crawl back, withdraw from my loved ones but keep quiet for my reasons. I just leave an ordinary message to make everyone believe I am fine while I go down. The soul's embraced by the blue songs and my head feels hazy, as I stumble across the sands. Maybe I find a reason, maybe I stay and refrain from what I planned to do. But as I close my eyes and shut the doors, my lids expose all that's worse and useless of me, all that's pain to someone, all that's so dark about my light facade. A tear drops from my cheek as I feel the warm water below my feet. There must be something or someone, a face swaps some darkness away but brings only more shadows with it so that I remain convinced. It feels as if I was always drawn to this, always chosen to be like that and it's a relief as I swallow and get swallowed from the deep blue...